Why Can’t Ex Jehovah’s Witnesses Just Move On?

Just Move On Already!

…I often hear comments like this. “You should just move on and let the past be the past.” I have to agree that in many cases that is often the very best advice. So why is it that former Jehovah’s Witnesses have such a difficult time moving on with their lives? Why can they never seem to completely let go, even years or decades after they have left the Watchtower Society? Why am I here talking about this nine years after I left the Jehovah’s Witnesses? My aim is to discuss and possibly answer those questions by talking about what I know; my personal experiences…

Is Blood Really Thicker Than Water?

“Blood is thicker than water.” As you know that’s a famous old English proverb which implies the widely accepted sentiment that the bonds of family are stronger than the bonds between unrelated people. I am only one among literally thousands of others that are living proof that statement is not always true. When it comes to Jehovah’s Witnesses that statement could be revised to saying: Religion is thicker than Blood.

While many have experiences that differ, the most common issue that former Jehovah’s Witnesses share is the absolute and devastating separation from their families. The Watchtower strips former members of any relationships they had with friends and family members upon their leaving the society. Members are taught to hate and shun former Jehovah’s Witnesses (persons who have disassociated themselves or who have been disfellowshipped). There are no exceptions and there is no statute of limitations. The penalty for ignoring this teaching? They risk being disfellowshipped themselves.

The Watchtower of April 15, 1988 (available online at www.Watchtower.org, or you may download it in PDF format by clicking here) tells its members how they should treat a person who deviates from “the path of truth” or in other words the teachings of the Watchtower. They describe such an individual:

• one who unrepentantly violates God’s laws, or
• one who rejects the faith of Jehovah’s Witnesses by teaching doctrine contrary to the Watchtower, or
• an individual who disassociates themselves from the congregation (for any reason).

So the spectrum of sins which qualify one for disfellowshipping and/or shunning is very broad indeed. I know of young women who have been disfellowshipped and shunned because they didn’t scream while they were being raped (one of the Watchtowers constantly changing doctrines). I know of people who have chosen to distance or disassociate themselves because they didn’t agree with or questioned some of the teachings of the Watchtower. And I knew of individuals who were disfellowshipped because of adultery or fornication. Surely any group, sect or religion has the right to disfellowship or excommunicate an individual for not conforming to the set expectations, but do they have the right to enforce shunning? Do they have the right to literally break apart and dissolve families? Do they have the right to threaten their members with disfellowshipping themselves if they even speak to a former member?

From the Horse’s Mouth

What exactly does the Watchtower tell its members about how to treat such persons? Again, referring to their own article I quote:

When a man in Corinth was unrepentantly immoral, Paul told the congregation: “Quit mixing in company with anyone called a brother that is a fornicator or a greedy person or an idolater or a reviler or a drunkard or an extortioner, not even eating with such a man.” (1 Corinthians 5:11-13)…

Obviously the above excerpt is discussing individuals who have engaged in gross wrongdoing or unrepentant misconduct. Note the reference “not even eating with such a man”, as I will talk about this a little further on. The Watchtower article continues by saying:

The same was to occur with apostates, such as Hymenaeus: “As for a man that promotes a sect, reject him after a first and a second admonition; knowing that such a man has been turned out of the way and is sinning.” (Titus 3:10, 11; 1 Timothy 1:19, 20)

The Watchtower uses these scriptural references to teach their members to reject someone who promotes a sect (a group of people with different religious beliefs, or a group with extreme or dangerous philosophical or political ideas - Oxford Dictionary). They define a person who commits this sin as an apostate; the most dreaded of all sinners. However it is interesting to note that the word apostate is literally defined by the Oxford Dictionary as a person who renounces a belief or principle. It is evident that the use of the word apostate is severely misused and exaggerated and therefore the essence of this teaching is flawed. Nevertheless the article goes on:

Such shunning would be appropriate, too, for anyone who rejects the congregation: “They went out from us, but they were not of our sort; for if they had been of our sort, they would have remained with us. But they went out that it might be shown up that not all are of our sort.”—1 John 2:18, 19.

Now I find this particular line of reasoning very interesting. Why? Because they make the fantastic claim that shunning is appropriate for someone who simply “went out from us”. But where is the scriptural support for such a claim? Here they lump in everything from apostacy, promoting sects, gross and unrepentent wrongdoing with simply rejecting the congregation or teachings of the Watchtower as worthy of equal punishment, namely shunning. I recall being admonished from the Watchtower, from the podium and from my parents that you should not greet a disfellowshipped person, you should not even eat a meal with such a person. I can tell you from personal experience, both on the inside and the outside, that there is absolutely no distinction made between the “crime” and the punishment. Indeed it seems a long line to be drawn does it not? The claim that shunning is appropriate for someone who simply leaves the Society of Jehovah’s Witnesses perhaps because they question or do not agree with some of the teachings. I fail to see any scriptural support for this, only a long line drawn by the Watchtower, a doctrine that a Jehovah’s Witness dare not challenge.

Another little gem from this article, which when I read it nearly caused my jaw to hit the floor. To summarize, the Watchtower contends that since some willful sinners were executed in the time of the Isrealites, God’s people were no longer able to speak to them (since they were dead). Therefore, today, Jehovah’s Witnesses should not speak with wrongdoers; as though they are dead figuratively. Well we can’t stone them to death in this day and age, so let’s just pretend.

Lastly the Watchtower article discusses how individuals are to treat disfellowshipped or disassociated members of their family:

God certainly realizes that carrying out his righteous laws about cutting off wrongdoers often involves and affects relatives. As mentioned above, when an Israelite wrongdoer was executed, no more family association was possible. In fact, if a son was a drunkard and a glutton, his parents were to bring him before the judges, and if he was unrepentant, the parents were to share in the just executing of him, ‘to clear away what is bad from the midst of Israel.’ (Deuteronomy 21:18-21) You can appreciate that this would not have been easy for them. Imagine, too, how the wrongdoer’s brothers, sisters, or grandparents felt. Yet, their putting loyalty to their righteous God before family affection could be lifesaving for them.

For once I am practically speechless. Here the Watchtower is telling its followers to cut off their family members, as though they had been executed for wrongdoing. Reading that sends a chill up my spine. But let’s dig a little deaper. This scripture, if you read it in it’s entire context is talking about stoning a rebellious child who is not listening to his father’s voice, specifically one who is a drunkard and a glutton. So it could stand to reason that Jehovah’s Witnesses think that fat people and someone who suffers from alcholism should be put to death. Well, again we can’t actually kill them, so let’s just take this out of context, apply it to any sin we want and pretend we’re putting them to death! I apologize for the tongue-and-cheek, but I couldn’t resist.

Life Without Family - An Analogy

So how does this all relate to why former Jehovah’s Witnesses rarely seem to be able to just “move on”?

Consider this analogy. Let’s say that you grew up in a very warm and caring family. You share close and loving relationships with both your parents and your siblings. Now let’s say for the sake of argument that your father is a Republican. Following his lead the entire family has always voted that way and often engaged in political discussions, putting their confidence in that Party. Now let’s say that you decide one day that you’re not a Republican after all. You’ve realized that you actually prefer the Democrats. So you tell your father that you voted for the Democrats in the last election. Now depending on the family you might expect any number of responses. Religion and politics are always highly debatable and often passionate topics. But one thing you would never expect: The Republicans phoning up your father, mother, siblings and all your friends, telling them that they have to kick you out of the house, they’re not allowed to greet you, they can never speak with you, no they cannot even eat a meal with you, in fact, since they can’t actually kill you they should pretend that you are dead. And lastly, if they dare do any of those things, the Republicans will come after them too!

Obviously that scenario is highly laughable and outright ridiculous. But imagine yourself in just that situation. You’ve been shunned by your family. You’re not welcome in their home. They will not speak with you or eat with you. How would you react? Could you just get over it? Would you be able to simply forget the family you loved so deeply and move on with life? Would you not agonize over the loss of your family and try everything you can to understand why or how this could have happened. Remember, you have not had a falling out, rather you simply didn’t agree with party politics and changed you allegiance, it had nothing to do with your family. It was the Republicans who imposed and enforced these sanctions. Would you not be pained over your family’s suffering too, since they are undoubtedly also grieving the loss of you, but dare not contradict the Party.

I know it is a silly analogy, but I try to relate it here in terms that aren’t to do with religion just to demonstrate how absurd this type of behavior is and just how frightening and damaging it is.

What It Really Feels Like

I like many others was a child raised in the Society of Jehovah’s Witnesses. As you can see from the Watchtower’s own mouth, anyone who leaves because they reject the teachings of the Watchtower is to be shunned by everyone, including their family. As flawed as this teaching is, it is regrettably ahered to by millions of Jehovah’s Witnesses around the globe. I, like so many others were destined to be bannished from our families simply because we didn’t agree with the some of the teachings of the Watchtower and felt for one reason or another that we didn’t want to be a part of that religion. Unless we remain one of Jehovah’s Witnesses we will lose our families and our friends.

There are never words to express the pain of it. My family is right there, but always just beyond my reach. I love them still with all my heart, and I know they love me. I feel cheated because I never got to have those little mother/daughter talks, wasn’t there to see my brothers grow from boys to young men, I didn’t see my father’s hair turn gray… my family wouldn’t even come to my wedding. The pain on both sides is unmeasurable. And again, we can’t forget, there was never a falling out, rather, a great ocean has been placed between us by the Watchtower; an ocean that cannot be bridged or crossed.

Why can’t I just move on? The answer is that I try, I have tried - but it doesn’t work. I tried to forget them. I tried to be angry at them. I tried to forgive them. I tried not to feel. It all comes back to taking one day at a time, trying to make a life and make sense of all the crazy things that happen in this world. My family and the love I have for them is at the heart of me. If I cast that aside I would be a cold and lifeless thing. So I try to live my life in a way that in all repects (other than religion) would make them proud. I find peace in being able to help others by telling my story; a story that can be repeated by about 50,000 people every year who are disfellowshipped from the Watchtower Society. My heart breaks for my family, and my heart breaks for the countless others. I suppose I feel too much, but I like that about myself and I try to channel it into something good and positive.